So Iām in Italyā¦ went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldnāt drink so much because itās a laxative š„²
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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOGāS PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Iām at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Women will never truly be equal as long as theyāre smarter than men.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. Theyāre formulating a plan for it, which theyāre calling the wĆ¼rst/kƤse scenario
Why donāt we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ā80s. You couldnāt buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
This sink looks like my kidsā toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Meanwhile in Heavenā¦
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady wonāt step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Donāt be like Mike.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I canāt feel my face.
Thereās no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as youāre blowing up a rubber glove.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because itās Ireland somewhere.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish Iād thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Doc: Howād you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Whoever you are, you canāt deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Donāt act like you wouldnāt read it.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
āCan I have $20?ā
-how teenagers say hello
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl thatās too small for licking..
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. Heās a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when itās only a 14 hour drive?
2000: I donāt want no scrubs
2020: Iām actually gonna need all those scrubs.