Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Body by cheese-puffs.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please