Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”