So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
🙄😏😂🤣
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.