Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie