So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
You Might Also Like
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog