So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
You better watch out
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
😂🖐️
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.
Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and