So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.