Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

*mops up wine with cat*

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple