So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.