so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
make up your mind
