Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?