So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
