So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one