So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”