Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song