So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*