So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.