So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Social Media and Real life
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.