So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
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I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
feetloaf
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.