Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

God tier horse name today on the sims

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.