Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.