Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad