So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits