So inspired right now.
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“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Lmao
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
My inexpensive home security system…
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.