So inspired right now.
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
This hospital has everything
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
set yourself free xox
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I will never stop laughing at this
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
new record!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101