So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk