So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already