So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Ovenable?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I saw nothing
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L