So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.