So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
mom had nothing to worry about
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you