so, is there a mister shapen head
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again