so, is there a mister shapen head
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My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
So creative 😂
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.