so, is there a mister shapen head
You Might Also Like
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again