“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
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Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…