So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
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Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
