So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
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Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Bill is short for Billiam
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Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
This is I, Robot all over again
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶
Tupperware lids
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.