So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
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Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree