Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

What’s a Messi?

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid