Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

They say sex is the best for of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.