Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you