So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Can. I. Help. You.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun