So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
japanese corn
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.