So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’