So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
at ease…shoulder.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Otters see a butterfly.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.