So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.