So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
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Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”