Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

My favorite female superhero

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.

“He fell”

Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.