Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.