So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Seems kinda suspicious
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
🤣😂🤣😂
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.