So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
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*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Doggies just call it style.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?![]()
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.