So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Florida be like…
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.