Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

ㅤ

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.