So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
You Might Also Like
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
britain’s three elite institutions
When life hands you women, make women laid.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave