Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

rapatouille