So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.