So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats