Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs