So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
You Might Also Like
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Pot warmers of the day.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks