So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
True.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
he chose this