So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why