Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line