Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

What

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.