So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.