Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”