So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You Might Also Like
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier