So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions