So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins