So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine