So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
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I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye