So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job