Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

Let’s Go

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced