Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!