“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say it
Don鈥檛 say itMe: That鈥檚 crazy
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 馃槶
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
for a small fee i鈥檒l attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
my kids: how many reese鈥檚 pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese鈥檚 cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
God made humans, but only because there wasn鈥檛 anything good to watch on TV.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I鈥檓 gonna need more options.