Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Oh no

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.