Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

FINE, I WON’T.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads