so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
How is it still this week?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…