so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
You Might Also Like
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.